#1 2020-03-23 10:44:34

Quarrantine, day 3 -

I checked my traps this morning. Good news! I got 2 squirrels & the neighbor's cat. That means meat for supper tonight.

Last night, someone tried to cross the perimeter. Claimed he just "delivering Chinese food". Ha! As if I'd believe that. His body is at the end of the driveway, lying in a pool of blood mixed with General Tso's chicken.

I contacted my neighbor & shared my ideas with her. I told I believed that her & I should begin re-populating the Earth with our children. It would be a super race of coronavirus resistant people. She replied that she wouldn't touch me with a 10' pole. Her dedication to social distancing is admirable. You can tell our children will be strong & smart.

I try to keep myself busy as the hours slowly pass by. I have plenty of books & music. There are lots of chores to be done. This increased time spent at home means my smoking paraphernalia must be cleaned more often. I try to keep up a brave face. I will try & get through another day of this hell.

Stay healthy, my friends.

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#2 2020-03-23 21:03:13

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 4

Well, my friends, last night the shit got real.

After securing the perimeter, I decided to settle in & watch a movie. That's when it happened. I opened the pantry door & there it was: An empty space on the shelf where the microwavable popcorn should have been.

NOOOOOO!!!

I knew there would be hardships, but this was nearly unbearable. Imagine having to watch a movie with only a 52" high def TV, a kick ass surround sound system, but no popcorn! This isn't the America I grew up believing in.

I was forced to go outside the perimeter this morning for a supply run. I prepared by rubbing myself down the garlic to encourage social distancing. I also brought along several rolls of toilet paper to use as currency.

As I drove through town, I could see the faces of my fellow Americans staring out of their windows. The terrified faces of parents thinking, "Why did I ever have children? I don't even like kids." The faces of children echoing the sound of Mom screaming, "It's your little brother's turn to play Nintendo!" Teenagers wondering, "Will I ever get to make out with anyone?" It broke my heart. I'm so glad I don't know any of those people & probably won't ever have to see them again.

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#3 2020-03-24 10:56:56

Quarrantine, day 4 cont. -

I finally made it to the grocery store where I was able to restock my popcorn supply. Also, picked up some extra liquor for medicinal purposes. I also stopped by Lowe's for some wooden stakes. Hey, you never know.

BTW - Neither store was willing to accept toilet paper as payment. They wanted that soon-to-be-worthless U.S. currency. Fools!

I'm safely home now. It's time to watch that movie!
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#4 2020-03-24 11:07:25

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 5

Sorry for the lateness of this post, but I've been doing some research. More on that later.

First, let me assure everyone that I'm fine because I know that's everybody's biggest concern. My supplies are holding up. Plenty of toilet paper. I haven't had to use the pile of dry leaves in the corner of my bathroom. I'm beginning to wish that my cooking skills went beyond scrambled eggs, spaghetti, & Kraft mac & cheese though. So it goes.

Anyway, do guys know about the internet? I mean really know. It turns out that there's tons & tons of information on the net. Here's the crazy part: a lot of it is stuff "they" don't want you know. So I decided to use some of this free time to find out all I could about this new coronavirus that's sweeping the globe. Here are some of the things I learned.

Just a warning here: This is all very secret stuff, so be careful who you share it with.

I can now state definitively that the virus was not planted in China by the U.S. military. This outrageous conspiracy theory has been put forth by some high ranking members of Chinese government.
That doesn't mean, though, that there aren't nefarious goings on here.

It turns out the virus was created in top secret research facility in China. The plan was to release the disease in the U.S. & Europe in an effort to destabilize Western Democracy. The Chinese could then swoop in & force us all to become commies!

The virus accidentally got loose, though. And that's when the C.I.A. figured out what the Chinese had been up to. But instead of exposing this evil, the C.I.A. decided to take advantage of the situation. They would create a vaccine, but each dose of the vaccine would contain a tiny, tiny microchip that could be used track everyone all the time!

I know there will be some of you don't believe this. But judging by some of the memes I see y'all post, lots of you will!

Don't despair because there is hope. There is a special password you can give to the person administering the vaccine to you. This password is so secret, that I can't include it in this post. Send me a PM & I'll share it with you.
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#5 2020-03-25 00:02:41

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 7

OK, confession time. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I broke quarantine today.

I had just stepped out on porch for a breath of fresh air when it happened. The Post Office vehicle stopped at my mailbox & I just couldn't control myself.

I ran down the driveway shouting, "I need human contact!" As I reached the mail truck, I began hugging the mailman. I couldn't stop myself. The urge to touch someone overwhelmed me.

That's when he doused me with pepper spray.

Well, things get a bit fuzzy after that. The next thing I remember, I was handcuffed along the side of Skippack Pike & surrounded by 5 or 6 cops. Apparently I had been flagging down cars so I could shake hands with the people in them. Now the cops were trying to figure out what to do with me.

That's when I coughed.

The cops immediately stopped talking & froze for a second. Then they all took a few steps back. Finally, one of them said, "We're just going to give you a written warning this time. Make sure you don't cause any more trouble." Then he scribbled a few lines on warning form & tossed towards me. They all got into their cars & left.

I made back home without any further incidents. Everything is OK.
Except I had to type this with my hands behind my back. Please excuse any typos.

Oh, one more thing. Does anybody a key for handcuffs that I can borrow?
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#6 2020-03-25 08:21:57

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 8

I've read that a person's mind is at peak creativity first thing in the morning, after a good night's sleep. I wanted to put that to the test, so this morning I decided to focus on my life during this quarantine & going forward. I wondered if this current situation would change how I move through the world.

Well, try as I might, I didn't seem to be able to relax enough to let those creative thoughts flow. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts using some relaxation techniques I know, I figured it was time to try an external relaxant.

So, I downed a shot of whiskey. This seemed to have some affect, but not quite what I was looking for. I drank another shot.

"That's more like it!", I thought. I was really starting to feel the creativity now.

Whew, that whiskey's pretty strong, though. I decide to fill my pipe & take a puff. Or two. Just gotta take the edge off. And then, just another little sip of that whiskey. Don't wanna lose the flow.

Because I am flowing. Flowing with creativity! Where's that pipe. I'm creating a post-quarantine future for myself. Just me & my life mate, standing together, living, loving, going bravely into forever!

I pause for a shot & a puff. That's when I remember that I don't have a life mate. In fact, considering my age, my somewhat prickly personality (Hey! I'm a FLID!), & my generally poor prospects, it would take a lot of hard work & effort to find someone willing to put up with me.

One more shot & it hit me. Mail-order bride. Right?

Wait, wait. Don't laugh at this idea. Let me express my incredibly creative thinking on this.

That whiskey is making it hard to type. I think one more puff ought to ground me.

Anyway, mail order brides. Yeah, man, just think about. You could find a woman from some third world shit hole country, like Canada or Norway. She would be so thankful to be in this great land with its first-in-the-world medical system, its equity for all, its well deserved reputation as a world leader, a beacon of freedom & democracy, that she only want to lavish affection on you.

Wow, I'm getting a little worked up. Another shot seems like a good idea. Oh, I better fill that bowl again. I didn't realize I smoked the first one already.

Is there any such thing as a mail order groom? Just imagine if a woman could find a man who was willing do to anything they asked, was always attentive, & treated them with respect, just by ordering him from a catalogue! That would be hilarious. Of course, American men would never be able to get a date. Oh, wait. That's a bad idea. A very bad idea. Gals, just pretend you didn't read this paragraph.

You know, all this thinking has kind of worn me out. Just one more shot & another puff. OK, nap time.
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#7 2020-03-26 09:02:16

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 9

This must be Heaven.

Back in the days before the Apocalypse, I used to wish my boss would let me work from home more often. As the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for."

Even when I'm in the office, I'm not working the entire 8+ hours that I'm there. A few minutes here to chat with coworkers, a few minutes there to go online, lunch break, etc. If I had to put a number on it, I would have said I spend about 75% of my office time working.

Hahaha! Not even close.

I should mention here that nobody I currently work with or for can see this post. Lucky for me.

Things have definitely slowed down, but my current work day goes something like this.

I'm at my computer by 8am. I deal with any emails that need attention, then I send out projects are due that day. About 20 minutes.

Next task is to do some work on projects due tomorrow or later. about 45-50 minutes.

Then I head to the kitchen to cook & eat breakfast. This is followed by some down time to digest that meal. About 2 hours.

Now, a quick check of my email. Follow up on anything left over from earlier. About 10-15 minutes.

Another break (30-45 minutes), followed by another email check (10 minutes)

Enough! You can see where this going. It's past noon & I've actually worked less than 90 minutes. Of course, the first impulse is to say, "Yeah, baby! This is great!" And it is for a couple of days. But then, too much Paradise. Man, I never thought I'd say that.

It does get me thinking about the literal Heaven, though. If I'm getting bored with it after just a few days, how can I even contemplate being somewhere for...eternity? I mean, take a moment to understand how long that is. Eternity. Forever. That's a shit load of milk & honey!

Could you really stand that? What can you do there to pass the time? You've watched every movie & TV show you ever wanted to watch. You've read all the books you ever wanted to read. Listened to all the music, learned to play all the songs, seen all the plays & operas, met all the famous people from history. You've done everything you ever wanted to do. It took over 800 years, but you did it. Now you can just sit back & relax for...eternity. (sigh) Pass the milk & honey.

This is why I try not to think too much. It gets me in trouble every time.

I hope this quarrantine ends soon.
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#8 2020-03-27 10:32:03

Create something for yourself. But beware, the boss is a perfectionist.

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#9 2020-03-28 12:36:33

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 10

We can be heroes just for one...fortnight.

Imagined conversation in the year 2035.

Li'l Suzy: Grandpa, is it true you lived through the 2020 pandemic?
Grandpa: Oh, it's true. It was a terrible time. Everyone had to make sacrifices. Everyone did what they could to help others.
LS: Wow! Were you a nurse or a doctor helping sick people?
GP: Oh, no! (chuckles) That's not what I did.
LS: I bet you were one of those people in the ambulance who gets sick people to the hospital for help! Right?
GP: No, no, I didn't do that.
LS: (looking a bit confused) Did you work in one of those places that takes care of people who need help taking care of themselves?
GP: Nope
LS: (thinks for moment) Then, Grandpa, what the fuck did you do to help?
GP: Whoa, there. That's pretty salty language for a 7 year old. And I did plenty. It was my job to stay at home.
LS: (after a long pause) You stayed home? Like being grounded? No TV, no internet?
GP: Well, actually we could watch TV & go on the internet.
LS: So, you just stayed at home watching TV & surfing the net. Is that all you did?
GP: I also got a check for $1000 from the government.
LS: Grandpa, are you making this up?

********************************************************************
Be a hero. Stay home
Stay healthy, my friends.

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#10 2020-03-28 14:26:38

Moss Stone wrote:

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

LS: So, you just stayed at home watching TV & surfing the net. Is that all you did?
GP: I also got a check for $1000 from the government.
LS: Grandpa, are you making this up?

Cash that check now and replenish your go-bag, Grandpa. This thing could turn sideways in a hurry.

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#11 2020-03-29 10:17:19

Brian's Quarrantine Diary

Quarrantine, day 11

Maybe it was the weather. It was such a beautiful Spring day yesterday.

Maybe because it was Saturday night & I couldn't go anywhere. Not that I normally go out on Saturday, but that I couldn't, even if I actually wanted to.

Despair began to set in. I sat on my couch staring at a blank TV screen. I couldn't even find the energy to turn it on.

Hours past. It got dark. Still I sat.

Finally, hunger got the better of me. I stumbled into the kitchen, grabbed the peanut butter jar & a spoon. I ate peanut butter until the jar was empty. Then I found the bag of bite-size Snickers. And the can of whipped cream. After that came the Doritos.

Friends, it was not pretty.

I lay on the kitchen floor, food smeared on my face, covered in crumbs, surrounded by discarded food wrappers, & wallowing in self pity.

I had to find my way out of this funk. But what to do? Of course! I have the internet! Surely I could find some help there.
I fired up my laptop, & began my search for...I wasn't really sure what. But something. Some great truth. Some words of enlightment. Something.

I'm still not sure how I ended up where I did, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I eventually found my way to a chat room. That's where I met her. Savanah. You have to say it correctly: sa-VAH-na. It's like a beautiful little song. sa-VAH-na.

We started chatting & it was incredible! She likes all the same bands as me. The books & movies, too. I mean, we totally hit it off. We talked about everything - our hopes, our dreams, my 401k, our goals. It was like a dream!

She comes from a wealthy family, but all her money is tied up in a trust fund. She can't touch the money until she gets married. It's been hard for her to find someone that truly loves her & isn't just after her money. She says she can tell I'm not like that. That she can trust me. Maybe I'm the one she's been searching for.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we're going to get together. She's living in Reno now. She shares an apartment with her brothers, Rocco & Herman.

Her brothers are going to drive her to Pennsylvania so we can meet. After that, who knows? This could be the start of something big!

Stay healthy, my friends.

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